And now, a Brief Treatise on the First Thirty Seconds of the Music Video for Sisqo’s “Thong Song”.
1) Sisqo let “this girl” take his little daughter shopping? Like, he doesn’t even know her name, and he gave her his daughter?! Also, they went to “the mall or something.” KNOW WHERE YOUR DAUGHTER IS, SISQO. This song hit number 2 on the US Charts, AND number 1 in New Zealand. Dru Hill was relatively famous before this, too. You’ve got money, and kidnapping ransoms don’t come cheap.
2) There are two scenarios for how the thong came to be in Sisqo’s daughter’s possession. BEST CASE SCENARIO: While they were shopping, “This Girl” passed a lingerie store and said “Hold on, I need to buy some thongs, your father likes thongs,” and they proceeded to go inside and the little daughter waited while this virtual stranger tried on underwear. That’s the BEST CASE SCENARIO. Worst Case? That thong was just lying on the floor somewhere and his daughter picked it up. It DOES look like it’s been worn. Which is gross.
3) According to your phone conversation, two of your friends are taking the bus from Baltimore to Miami, but “Wood’s gonna fly in.” (Side Note: “Wood” probably refers to Woody Rock, also a former member of Dru Hill. In case you cared.) Did you not spring for the tickets for the other two? You seem to be in good standings, what with the room you’re staying in. Are they scared of flying, perhaps? That could be the case, but a bus from Baltimore to Miami would probably be miserable. Maybe they’re carrying drugs, yeah, but still, Sisqo. Spring for a train.
4) To the daughter: ease up on those scrunchies, girl.
This has been a dumb blog post. But that little girl is probably scarred for life.