I’m very sensitive to bad commercials. This Totino’s Pizza Rolls ad is the absolute worst. Here’s why:

1) It starts out with a kid calling his mom and saying, “Mom. We’re dying.” I don’t care how much of your bullshit your mom has heard (which you can tell the mom has a TON of experience with by how she fucking flings it right back in their faces), you don’t call your parent and tell them you’re dying unless you’re ACTUALLY DYING.

2) They say they can’t find the Totino’s Pizza Rolls when they’re RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE. So, first they’re trying to give their mom a heart attack and then they’re too lazy to actually turn their heads to explore other parts of the fridge? These kids are dickholes.

3) As you can see in this photo, there is a container full of FRESHLY CUT WATERMELON RIGHT NEXT TO THE POCKET-SIZE DEATH KNOWN AS PIZZA ROLLS. Now, I know some kids don’t like to eat fruit, but have you ever HAD watermelon?! It’s fucking DELICIOUS. That shit is refreshing as FUCK. Hot summer day? Forget it - I’m all about watermelon. If there were any justice in this world, they would have looked down and been like, “Oh shit, Mom, we have watermelon? Fuck pizza rolls.” AND THAT IS NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT - the MOM probably straight knows there’s watermelon there, and she still pushes them towards the pizza rolls?! That is a terrible dickhole mom. This is a family of dickholes. They represent the absence of dick within a dick.

4) THEY HANG UP ON THEIR MOM AND THEN PUT THE PHONE DOWN IN THE FRIDGE. They LEAVE the phone. In the fridge. After hanging up on the woman who gave them life. What the fuck?! What demographic is this commercial trying to reach? A: Dickholes.

I’m not going on some sort of anti-junk food rant. I’m going on an anti-stupid-people-writing-national-advertisements rant.